In the mind of a child
By Melvin J. Howard
Self-esteem is a major key to success in life. The
development of a positive self-concept or healthy self-esteem is extremely
important to the happiness and success of children and teenagers. For one
reason or another, some children do not develop social skills as easily as
others. They may earnestly seek peer relationships and then, having endured
rebuffs, if not downright cruelty, retreat to the safety of home, family, and
their own company. An understanding of child development is essential, allowing
us to fully appreciate the cognitive, emotional, physical, social and educational
growth that children go through from birth and into early adulthood. Some of
the major theories of child development are known as grand theories; they
attempt to describe every aspect of development, often using a stage approach.
Others are known as mini-theories; they instead focus only on a fairly limited
aspect of development, such as cognitive or social growth. During a child's
development from infancy to adulthood, many influences are responsible for
shaping their ways of seeing the world, their ideas of their own identity and
their place within society. Factors such as environmental setting, family,
community and the media all shape a child. In a perfect world, a child would
develop successfully into a happily functioning adult, without any problems
along the way, however this is not usually the case and many children find that
they may struggle throughout the process.
Parents differ on two dimensions' that work together to
produce 4 types of parenting styles. These 2 dimension's are demand (made on
the child) and response (to the child). Parents who are highly demanding and
responsive to their child (accepting, warm and child-centred) are known as
authoritative parents. They have an equal relationship with their child and
they communicate freely back and forth. Parents who are highly demanding and
unresponsive (rejecting, cold and self centred) are known as authoritarian
parents and are very controlling, assertive of their power and do not allow the
child equal participation in communication. Undemanding parents that are
responsive and warm, are known indulgent parents and allow their child to get
away with a great deal without attempting to control them. Finally, parents
that are undemanding and unresponsive and cold, are known as Neglectful parents
and their relationship is indifferent and uninvolved. Parenting style is very
important in how the child will behave. Children of parents that use an
authoritarian style of parenting tend to lack social competence in dealing with
others. They are shy, withdrawn and don't take initiative. They have trouble
making decisions and need to look to authority to decide what is right. They
lack spontaneity and intellectual curiosity. Children with authoritative
parents appear more self-controlled, willing to explore, and more content than
children raised in other types of parenting situations. Children of indulgent
parents are relatively immature, have difficulty controlling their impulses and
accepting responsibility for actions and acting independently.
IN A PERFECT WORLD
In a perfect world, children and teens would grow up to be
happy, healthy, functioning adults. However, there are hundreds of influences
that they will encounter throughout their early lives that will have an impact
on their development - both in negative and positive ways. The following is a
brief list of some of the more common problems children and teens may face. There
are various issues and disorders that adolescents may face in the turbulent
times of their teen years. An adolescent feels all kinds of pressures - from
parents, school and peers. They are in a transitional period where they are
moving from childhood to adulthood. As well, the influence of peer pressure and
the introduction of such pressures from drugs, alcohol and the opposite sex
take their toll on any teen.
DIVORCE
Parents should be alert to signs of distress in their child
or children. Young children may react to divorce by becoming more aggressive
and uncooperative or withdrawing. Older children may feel deep sadness and
loss. Their schoolwork may suffer and behavior problems are common. As teenagers
and adults, children of divorce often have trouble with their own relationships
and experience problems with self-esteem. Children will do best if they know
that their mother and father will still be their parents and remain involved
with them even though the marriage is ending and the parents won't live
together. Long custody disputes or pressure on a child to "choose
sides" can be particularly harmful in the long run for the youngster and
can add to the damage of the divorce. Research shows that children do best when
parents can cooperate on behalf of the child. Parents' ongoing commitment to
the child's well-being is vital. If a child shows signs of distress, the family
doctor or pediatrician can refer the parents to a child and adolescent
psychiatrist for evaluation and treatment. In addition, the child and
adolescent psychiatrist can meet with the parents to help them learn how to
make the strain of the divorce easier on the entire family. Psychotherapy for
the children of a divorce, and the divorcing parents, can be helpful.
Anxiety
Anxiety is the fearful anticipation of further danger or
problems accompanied by an intense unpleasant feeling (dysphoria) or physical
symptoms. Anxiety is not uncommon in children and adolescents. Anxiety in
children may present as:
Separation Anxiety
Disorder: Excessive anxiety concerning separation from home or from those
to whom the child is attached. The youngster may develop excessive worrying to
the point of being reluctant or refusing to go to school, being alone, or
sleeping alone. Repeated nightmares and complaints of physical symptoms (such
as headaches, stomach aches, nausea, or vomiting) may occur.
Generalized Anxiety
Disorder: Excessive anxiety and
worry about events or activities such as school. The child or adolescent has
difficulty controlling worries. There may also be restlessness, fatigue,
difficulty concentrating, irritability, muscle tension, and sleep difficulties.
Panic Disorder:
The presence of recurrent, unexpected panic attacks and persistent worries
about having attacks. Panic Attack refers to the sudden onset of intense
apprehension, fearfulness, or terror, often associated with feelings of
impending doom. There may also be shortness of breath, palpitations, chest pain
or discomfort, choking or smothering sensations, and fear of "going
crazy" or losing control.
Phobias:
Persistent, irrational fears of a specific object, activity, or situation (such
as flying, heights, animals, receiving an injection, seeing blood). These
intense fears cause the child or adolescent to avoid the object, activity, or
situation.
ABANDONMENT
Many children experience abandonment issues when they're
forced to cope with the absence of a parent, especially when it appears that
the absence is voluntary. Sadly, parental abandonment, and its effects, often
leave children with lingering questions about their own self worth. As the
remaining parent, you can have a huge impact on your child's self-esteem and
ability to cope with the absence of the other parent by being alert to the
following effects of abandonment in children. Children with abandonment issues
may reject everything about the absent parent. In some cases, children who have been
abandoned by one parent will make an effort to completely reject him or her.
You'll see this when a child expresses the desire to be the exact opposite of
the absent parent. Children with abandonment issues may develop poor
self-esteem. Children who have experienced parental abandonment may also be
prone to developing poor self-esteem and a sense of shame surrounding the
parent's absence. They may even question whether they could have contributed to
the absence, whether they somehow "deserved" to be abandoned, or
whether the absent parent believes he or she is better off without the
"burden" of a child.
What Is A
Parent To Do:
·
Affirm your child's own unique qualities.
·
Allow your child to share his or her thoughts
and opinions.
·
Instead of arguing over your child's rejection
of the absent parent, simply respond with a benign statement, such as "I
can understand why you might feel that way right now."
·
Be very clear in telling your child,
repeatedly, that he or she is not at fault.
·
Be specific when you praise your child.
·
Provide opportunities for your child to
develop relationships with other adults, whom you trust, who can also convey
genuine, positive messages about your child's abilities, character, and
contribution to others.
·
When your child does express an emotion,
affirm that you still love him - even when he's angry, sad, or frustrated.
·
Be trustworthy. Make a special effort not to
share your child's confidences with friends and acquaintances.
·
Provide regular opportunities to connect with
your child, creating an atmosphere where he or she will be free to open up when
the time is right.
“Sometimes you need something bigger then yourself to get up
in the morning and move mountains for me it's my children.”
